Oh Wow, A Giant Fishbowl
by Elf Asato
Summary: [TsuzukiHisoka, SQUEE!Tatsumi, 003Hisoka] Hisoka spends the day at Watari's lab....


**Title**: Oh Wow, A Giant Fishbowl…

**Author**: Elf Asato

**Pairings**: Tatsumi/Tsuzuki, SQUEE~!/Tatsumi, 003/Hisoka

**Warnings**: OOC (^^;;), general insanity, Tatsumi being evil…

**Disclaimer**: …I highly doubt Matsushita-sensei would write something titled _Oh Wow, A Giant Fishbowl_…

**Summary**: Hisoka spends a little time down at Watari's lab…(and the fishbowl is the _least_ of his worries ^_^ v)

**Notes**: I was doing the dishes when this popped into my head!  It's so weird…dishes are like the source of all my inspiration…  How sad…  Anyway, forgive me if I'm not writing Watari's little "ability" correctly… ^^;;

**Dedication**: I dedicate this fic to novasenshi since it was on her birthday card I drew the whole stick figure thing…

**Oh Wow, A Giant Fishbowl…**

**By Elf Asato**

Old people are really old…and kind of wrinkly.  Actually, Tsuzuki's really old, but he's not wrinkly at all – I think Tatsumi's old, too, but those two are most definitely _not_ wrinkly.  Maybe it's just Kachou…

Aah, _right_, work…  But I _can't_ concentrate when everyone's emotions are flying around like this!  Especially Tsuzuki and Tatsumi (even though I can't really feel him).  Their emotions need to…get a room or something.  It's like Tsuzuki's got this giant love gun or something and he's shooting it randomly at the secretary…

Ah _crap_, I've been hit!

"Kurosaki-kun?  Are you alright?" Tatsumi asks as he watches me slowly slide off my desk, with Tsuzuki later noticing with a "…'Soka-chan?"

"I feel sick," I mutter as I feel _extremely_ nauseous from that wave of emotions Tsuzuki accidentally fired upon me.  "I'm going to throw up."

"Please don't!" Tsuzuki pleads with that puppy face as Tatsumi comes around and helps me up.  Since I don't feel a lot from him, it helps.

Tatsumi puts a hand to my forehead and announces, "I can't tell if you have a fever or not…so why don't you go down to the infirmary?"

"I've been to the infirmary enough times this year," I groan as I feel a wave of nausea from Tsuzuki's concern and point at him angrily, "If I throw up, it's going to be on _you_, baka!"

"Ew," Tsuzuki says cheerfully for some reason as I give him my patented death glare.

"Hm, what about Watari?" Tatsumi suggests and I get the feeling he knows it's from Tsuzuki.  "Do you typically feel sick around him?"

"Nn…no."

"Well, it's off to his lab, then, until you feel better," the secretary commands as he begins to walk me down.

I can hear Tsuzuki scuffling back in the office as we're about to leave, "But what about _me?_"

"Wait long enough and you'll get a reward," Tatsumi says, short and smug, as he looks back at the crying puppy who immediate brightens.

I want…to throw up on Tatsumi's shoes…but since I value my afterlife, I repress the urge…

He walks me down to Watari's lab, and for some reason I think that this is a terrible mistake…  Watari opens the door brightly before Tatsumi even knocks and startles us both.  "Bon!  Tatsumi!  What brings you two here?"

Regaining his composure, Tatsumi states calmly, "Kurosaki-kun feels ill, but doesn't want to go to the infirmary.  Can you keep an eye on him?"

"Of course!" Watari chirps brightly, making my brain jar, as I'm literally shifted from Tatsumi's hands to his.  I'm beginning to think that the shadow secretary has an ulterior motive…  "We'll have lots of fun together, right?"

"…"

"That's right!" Watari chirps again, as he closes the door on Tatsumi without another word.  I can vaguely hear Tatsumi's footsteps as he walks away…

He seats me on a chair and asks how I'm feeling, but I don't even answer that question.  Instead, I plead, "Please don't make me into a human guinea pig…!"

Watari looks mildly surprised, but then he lies, "What?  Make _you_ into a human _guinea pig_?  I wouldn't even _dream_ of it!"

My eyebrow twitches.  "Eh heh, of course not."  He turns to his work and leaves me sitting there, very bored and kind of nauseous.  I glance around at all the variously odd things he has inside his lab, such as a mini plunger the size of my thumb.  What the…?

My vision suddenly goes…_glassy_…and the pressure inside my ears changes.  It suddenly occurs that Watari's drawing, humming to himself, on a…what the hell _is_ this?  I voice my concerns.

"It's a giant fishbowl," he says simply as if it's a common occurrence for people to have fishbowls on their heads.

My eyes narrow at him and I state shortly, "You _put_ my head _inside _a _fishbowl_."

"Yep," he sings merrily as he draws little doodles of stick figures on it with a marker.

I sigh in disgust and have that urge to throw up on _him_.  Before I actually _do_ anything, though, the stick figures Watari drew pop up, coming to life, and dance around on my fishbowl.  I've seen weirder things, though…

…Lie.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" I cry out as I get that fishbowl off my head as quickly as possible and thrust it into Watari's arms, who's grinning like the psycho he is.

"Isn't it great?!" he beams as he reaches over for the tiny plunger and uses it to pick up a stick figure by the head.

The angry stick figure thrashes around and goes "RAWR~!"

I sweatdrop and seriously feel the need to run…only my legs won't move.  Instead, I settle for, "You…must be _so_ bored…"

"Yep!" he says cheerfully, tossing the tiny plunger with the rawring stick figure somewhere.  "Tatsumi _really_ cut my budget so I can't afford to do many experiments."  To illustrate that fact, he digs around for his budget report and upon finding it, sticks it in my face.

"…That's smaller than your plunger," I admit as I look at the double-digit numbers…

Watari takes it away and discards it on his desk, nodding sagely, "Yep.  Tatsumi's too cheap to keep me occupied."

"That should be his main priority," I sweatdrop again as little stick figures run loose around his lab.

He doesn't even notice, though.  "I'll bet you he's cutting everyone's budget like this so he can waste more money on Tsuzuki!" Watari accuses, a bit unfairly I'll admit, though those numbers _were_ small…

"I wouldn't do that!" Tatsumi states indignantly, as he opens the door, apparently overhearing us outside.  "Anyway, I just came down to check on Kurosaki-kun…"

Before Watari or I have a chance to respond, a "SQUEE~!" rings out and a little stick figure makes a dash to Tatsumi.

I'll think I'll cherish this moment forever because it's the first and probably _only_ time I'll ever see Tatsumi seriously freaked out.

The door slams shut with a loud noise and we can hear Tatsumi running down the hall.  The squeeing stick figure runs under the door to chase him.

"O…kay…" I mutter weakly as I feel I have seen enough weirdness to last me the rest of my afterlife.

Suddenly Watari slaps me on the back triumphantly, knocking me over, and cheerfully announces, "That just reminded me of an experiment I want to do to you!"

"Hey!" I protest loudly as I stand up.  "You said you weren't going to make me into your human guinea pig!"

"I'm not," he smiles as he puts both hands on my shoulders.  I can feel the warmth and excitement in him.  "I'm making you my human lab rat!"

"WHAT?  There's no difference!"

"Of course there is!" he insists as he drags me in front of a little room in the back of the lab.  "Now," he explains, "I've given 003 a substance that's made her unable to smell anything temporarily…  I want to find out if she relies on sight to recognize me…so I need _you_ to dress up as _me_ and go see her."

Watari pulls a long, blond wig and pair of glasses out of his pocket and hands them to me.  Hesitantly, as I put both the wig and glasses on, he unties the ribbon from his hair and instructs me to turn around so he can tie it in my wig.  I can't help but feel that this is a _bad_ idea when he takes off his lab coat and slips it onto me.  "There!" he states triumphantly, "You look like a little me!"

"Ehh…?" I mutter as he gives me a little mirror.  It's true – I _do_ look like a little him!

Smiling brilliantly, Watari draws me into a quick and unexpected hug.  "You look so cute!!!  Just like me!"

"Er…thanks?"

"003 will actually be fooled, I think!" he states happily, but then adds, "Since your voice sounds different from mine…try not to talk to her.  She's smart – she'll understand your body language."

"Um…okay."

"Shh, practice not speaking!"

"…Okay."

"Shh!"

"…"

"Good work!" Watari cheers.

"…Thanks?"

"Shh!"

"…_Geez_…"

"Shhh!!!!!!"

"…"

"Good!  Now I think you're ready for her!" he smiles as he pats my back, which makes me nauseas all over again.  With that, he quickly opens the door and shoves me inside, closing the door just as quickly as he had opened it to prevent 003 from seeing him.

Looking around the small backroom, I see the little owl sitting contently on a little swing in a cage.  I imagine Watari put her in there to prevent her from getting into something she wasn't supposed to…  I would feel bad for her if it didn't look like she was having the time of her life swinging back and forth on her swing.  

003 stops her swinging, though, and turns her head in that weird way owls do to look at me, hooting lightly.

I'm tempted to say "hi" to her, but I restrain myself and settle for going up to her cage, petting her through the bars.  She looks so happy that I can't help but feel that she would be happier outside the cage.  As if she read my heart, the owl looks at me with those eyes and nods.  I can't hide my smile as I unlock the cage door and open it so she can roam free.

She accepts my invitation out into freedom and flaps her wings, flying to perch on my shoulder.  Once there, I feel her nibble through the wig at my ear, hooting contently as her wings flap slightly.

Although it feels weird, I just smile and continue to pet her.

003 flaps her wings a couple of times and suddenly stretches them so that her one wing is in front of my mouth and the other is on the back of my neck in some kind of weird bird hug.

Ew…feathers…

The door opens slowly and Watari pokes his head into the room.  "003's smell should be returning soon.  How was it?"

"Um…she's very affectionate," I mumble through bird feathers, secretly relieved that Watari came to rescue me.

003, though, is less than thrilled.  She gives Watari a hard bird stare and screeches harshly into my ear, though it was directed toward her human.

"Nnn!" I groan as my ear throbs.

The owl looks at me in apology and gives my ear a loving nip.

"Ah heh…she'll probably get over her confusion soon," Watari sweatdrops as he watches her shower me with bird affection.

Somehow, I don't think that's it…  "Um…Watari," I mutter as the thought occurs to me, "…Birds are like us and don't rely on scent that much…"

Watari looks mildly surprised and looks down while playing with his hands sheepishly, "Well that's why it's an _experiment_…"

"I think she's too smart to be fooled by this," I say as I remove the wig and glasses, giving them back to Watari.

003 looks vaguely disturbed by my moving, but my new appearance doesn't seem to faze her a bit.  In fact, she continues to shower me with affection.

Watari stares at us for a few seconds before erupting into a smile and teases lightly, "I think she _likes_ you, Hisoka!"

"You think?" I ask sarcastically as she nibbles on my cheek which just feels plain weird.

Nodding, Watari completely misses my sarcasm and confirms, "Yep.  She likes you a lot."

003 has a crush on me.  Great.  That's just what I need.

"Hey," Watari begins mischievously with a sparkle in his eye, "…you know, you _do_ look like me with the outfit on…so much that as long as you didn't speak, I don't think anyone would notice that you _weren't_ me…"

Somehow, I don't think I like where he's going with this.  "All right," I sigh, "what do you want me to do?"

"I'm glad you got the hint!" he smiles cheerfully.  Well, he wasn't exactly _subtle_…  "Can you go to Tatsumi and see if he'll raise my budget a little?"

Urk.

I guess the expression on my face said it all.  "Oh come on," he pleads desperately, "Tatsumi's so busy with Tsuzuki nowadays that I don't think he'd notice that you weren't me!"

"Unn…but Tatsumi's really observant…"

"Not if Tsuzuki's there!  Plus, Tsuzuki would probably send him on a guilt trip if he found out how much my budget was cut – you know that as well as I do!"

"But…" I muttered, "what if Tsuzuki's not there with him?"

Watari just looks at me incredulously.  "Tsuzuki not with Tatsumi?"

Well, I guess that thought _was_ a bit ridiculous…

"All right, all right…" I give in as he hands me the wig and glasses back in excitement.  I put them back on with a small hoot from 003 and walk back into the lab.  "But if I get caught, it's all _your_ fault!"

"Understood!" he smiles as he takes a now-cranky 003 from my shoulder.

Relieved, I leave that "brilliant," yet very eccentric scientist back in the lab as I go out to find Tatsumi.  The first place I look is in his office – and fortunately for me, that's where he is.

_Unfortunately_ for me, though, is the fact that Tsuzuki _isn't_ there.

Great.

Hesitantly, I knock on the door and when he tells me I can come in, I do so and close the door behind me softly.

"What can I do for you, Watari?" he asks, not even looking up from whatever he's doing.

Crap.  He's going to know by my voice that it's not me…but…hmm…

I don't respond and instead, I wait for him to at least glance at me.  When he finally looks up, I point to my throat and put on a little charades act for him, giving the false story that I drank something I shouldn't have and my voice is gone.

…I don't doubt he believes me, though, because I know Watari's done this kind of thing before.

Tatsumi simply rolls his eyes and at that moment, I _know_ he saw right through that lie, but then he says, "Idiot.  That's why I cut your budget so much – so that you'd stop doing idiotic stuff like this."

I try to look as sheepish as I can while secretly feeling _very_ relieved that he bought it.

To my surprise, Tatsumi actually gets up from his chair and comes around to the front of his desk, sitting down on it casually.  For a second I think he can tell that I'm not actually Watari, but then he surprises me yet again.  "You know, you worry me sometimes with those odd experiments you do down in your lab.  I'd _hate_," he says softly as he brings a hand up to my chin and leans in, "for anything to happen to my dear…_dear _Yutaka-chan."

Y-Yutaka-chan?

His voice takes a different tone as he suggests, "I'm actually quite _pleased_ that you came when you did…  Tsuzuki is out buying sweets and you know how he takes his time with that…"

_…Tatsumi and Watari??_

"And we wouldn't have to worry about the noise since your voice is gone," he smirks, reminding me of a predator, "though, I _do_ believe that I'd miss hearing you cry out my name…"

I restrain making any noise as I generally freak out, making odd gestures about how I had to go back to the lab.

Tatsumi just chuckles with a smug smile on his face, watching me flee the office in haste.

"Oi, Tatsumi," Tsuzuki asks as he stands in the doorway to Tatsumi's office, "why'd Watari run out of here just now?"

"Oh that?  Watari dressed Hisoka up as him to try and get me to raise his budget."

"…You mean you cut it?" Tsuzuki asks again, this time with a reproaching look.

Looking a little sheepish under Tsuzuki's intense scrutiny, Tatsumi tries to explain, "Er, I didn't quite say _that_…" 

"…Happy birthday," Tsuzuki smirks ruthlessly as he flings something at the secretary.

"SQUEE~!"

~*~

As soon as I come back to Watari's lab, I thrust the glasses and wig into his hands and state loudly, "I'm going to the infirmary!"

"What?  Why?" he asks curiously, looking vaguely hurt.

I just give him a sharp glare and 003 flutters from his side to mine.

"Whaaaaat?" he whines, chibifying.  "What'd I do?"

"HIM!"

"…What?"

Growing nauseous by the minute, I storm out – angry with Tatsumi for cheating on my partner and angry with Watari for being the one he cheated with.  I hear Watari behind me, acting like a kicked chibi – which is what he's going to be if he doesn't stop following me.

I walk past the office and see Tatsumi and Tsuzuki both sitting at desks – Tatsumi with a flyswatter, looking very paranoid, and Tsuzuki just snickering at him.  Curiously, I watch.

"…There he is!" Tsuzuki suddenly cries out, his voice laughing, and for a second, I think he's talking about me.

Tatsumi smacks the flyswatter wherever he thinks that _he_ might be.  Upon finding out that it was nothing, he glares at Tsuzuki, who turns inu and giggles mischievously.

"I'm going to the infirmary," I announce loudly and 003 gives a confirming hoot from my shoulder.

"Hisoka!!!  Whatever it is, I'm sorry!" Chibi Watari cries, catching up to me.  "Please don't leave me!!!!  I'm lonely!!!!"

I turn to leave, but Tsuzuki scolds me cheerfully while overflowing with happiness and mischief, "'Soka-chan, don't be a meanie and leave Watari!"

"I'm going to throw up on you, Asato!" I threaten harshly as I almost sprint to the infirmary.

"Ew," Tsuzuki giggles as Terazuma innocently walks past the office, catching the attention of Watari who decides to follow him.  The sugar glutton looks back to Tatsumi, who smiles from the exchange before, but something catches his eye…  "There he is!" Tsuzuki cries out again, laughing.

"Very funny, Tsuzuki," Tatsumi rolls his eyes.

"I'm serious!  He's right there!"

"I'm not falling for that again."

"No, really!"

"Asa–"

"SQUEE~!"

~ Owari ~

**Ending notes**: Tatsumi isn't really cheating on our dear Tsuzuki  ^_^ v  He loves him very much, just like the rest of us!  Oh…and the thing with the stick figure coming alive was from a birthday card I drew for my friend, novasenshi (she's on ff.net, too, so look for her!).  I don't know if she still has the card or not…  She probably threw it out – I'm a terrible artist!  ^^;;  So anyway, I know this is kind of rushed, but hey!  You'll live ^_^;  …And while writing this, I have come to the conclusion that Hisoka is anorexic…

A bit of randomness: I just had this weird thought about doing a Yami/Jurassic park fic where instead of dinosaurs, they could be Watari's various drawings – the raptors could be the stick figures XD! I'm not actually going to write that, though ^^;; Just amusing to think of…


End file.
